It will "Come in Waves" they tell you. Oh how true...how naive I was before this huge loss. How I wish I was still naive.
You're cooking in the kitchen enjoying a Saturday...children playing happily in the playroom. You are following a recipe on Pinterest. Your hubby doing yardwork...all is well but the Grief Wave is about to hit.You click over casually to the Instagram Feed. You see a post of a mother and daughter on a shopping trip. The Wave hits knocking you to your knees...you beckon your hubby inside and retreat to the closet to let the wave loose. Your hysterics can be heard through the walls. Your hubby slowly opens the door pulls you to your feet and holds you. That is all he can do. There is nothing anyone can do.
You cry all during church. You feel HIS presence the strongest there he won't let you hide from the pain in HIS house. You tell your hubby you don't want to see anyone. You make a run for the door. A friend jumps out "hi friend!" She says. You come unglued. She pulls you in the corner. You cry together. HE is with you. Comforting you. HE put that friend there at that exact moment. You need her.
You cry all during church. You feel HIS presence the strongest there he won't let you hide from the pain in HIS house. You tell your hubby you don't want to see anyone. You make a run for the door. A friend jumps out "hi friend!" She says. You come unglued. She pulls you in the corner. You cry together. HE is with you. Comforting you. HE put that friend there at that exact moment. You need her.
Your driving alone in the car...you say out loud over and over again, "I miss you, Mom. I love you, Mom." The tears flow...you are praying that she can hear you.
You are in a grouchy mood when your hubby gets home from work. He asks you what is wrong. You tell him "I don't know." When the truth is...if you spoke the truth out loud "I miss my mom." You would come unglued. Saying "I don't know" is safer.
Your daughters wipe your tears away. The roles have reversed. "We want our Mimi back." They look to the heavens, "Come back down here, Mimi." Your heart breaks. They will forget her soon being so young. I do love how they speak of her always. They aren't afraid of upsetting you. They speak the truth.
The funeral is over. Everyone goes back to their normal lives. The calls stop, the texts stop. The anger stirs. I'm am so sad how can you be so happy.
The friends who do continue to reach out are the friends who have been here before. Who know the pain lingers on way after the "closure" of a funeral. I'm not happy to of joined the club. I'm so thankful for those friends who aren't "scared" of me.
You dream of her. You talk with her. You wake and your heart breaks again.
Friend's and even Family don't mention HER for fear to upset you. But not mentioning HER is even more upsetting. I can't blame them...that's how I handled it too before knowing this devastating loss.
My God, Hubby, and my Girls keep the light glowing. The world is a different place, though. A lonely place. You can fill the small splash in the pit of your stomach ALWAYS. You can be laughing/smiling. But the splash is still there....and another WAVE will come soon. GRIEF.
I love you, Mom.
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